


Okay

by yellow_craion



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic Raphael Santiago, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Attempted Sex, Blood Drinking, Body Image, Camille Belcourt Being An Asshole, Communication, Consent Issues, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erections, Established Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago, Fluff and Angst, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Inappropriate Erections, Manipulative Camille Belcourt, Multi, Mundane Simon Lewis, Nudity, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Queerplatonic Relationships, Raphael Santiago Has Feelings, Sharing a Bed, Simon Lewis Lives at Hotel Dumort, Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago Fluff, Trope Inversion, Vampire Sex, Vampires, Wet Dream, in the past tho and only mentioned in passing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 15:30:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21138983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellow_craion/pseuds/yellow_craion
Summary: “How long?” Raphael asks.“How long what?”“How long till you get bored of a sexless relationship? A month? A year?”Simon stares, struck speechless.~Fandom Aspec Fest 2019!





	Okay

**Author's Note:**

> I look at my own tags and wonder what you must be thinking xD but I promise it's nothing weird! ...I think
> 
> (author is ace and possibly aro fyi)

It’s nearing dawn by the time Raphael can say he’s done with all the clan business for the night. He’s one of the few vampires left still awake at this hour and he can’t wait to fall into his bed.

Just needs to change first.

Instead of going to the bathroom like he usually does nowadays, or just changing next to his bed like before he’s met Simon, the vampire takes off his suit in the wardrobe. There are hangers ready for the jacket and shirt, and a mirror that’s the main reason for staying here.

Tonight there’s another change to his bedtime routine. He doesn’t just change into the pajama pants as soon as his suit pants are gone. He strips completely, paying close attention to the even breathing coming in from the bed, just in case Simon wakes up.

He doesn’t want to be surprised.

He’s standing there, looking at his reflection and then down at himself. Not the way he does usually - Raphael’s never been particularly judgemental about his own body, not even as a mortal, but this isn’t really about his own judgement of it. He’s trying to guess his human’s reaction.

As confusing and scary as it was to be turned, Raphael has found one thing about being a vampire that brought him peace. He no longer has to worry about getting an erection.

It is still possible, yes, and most other vampires try to regain the ability with extensive feeding - blood supply - or other methods of training. Camille used to chastise him for not trying hard enough.

For Raphael though, it’s a relief to not be reminded of that possibility whenever he wakes up hard for no apparent reason. Something he hated, when he was a mundane.

Now, however, he wonders if maybe she was right all along.

He scowls, because the idea that Camille could be right about anything is disgusting enough without bringing Simon into it.

Would Simon be satisfied with him and whatever… semblance of performance he could muster?

With these thoughts, the vampire dresses quickly and joins his human in bed.

\--

Raphael wakes slowly. In the sleepy confusion he needs longer to figure out what roused him; after all, he only just went to bed before sunrise. There’s no light in the bedroom, thanks to the blackout curtains firmly in place at all times.

First he notices the smell.

It’s pungent. It’s all around him. It’s...

His brows furrow when he can’t instantly place it, but he freezes momentarily when he does. Ever so slowly, he turns onto his other side, looking at Simon, who seems to be still asleep.

They’ve shared this bed for months now, for naps and cuddles and occasionally indulging in a movie marathon or two.

Simon’s breathing fast and shallow now. Through his parted lips come disjointed syllables, that sound too close to moans for Raphael’s comfort.

Worse yet, he’s grinding against the mattress, occasionally bumping into Raphael’s side.

Raphael is caught staring, frozen somewhere between shame and fear, unsure if he should wake him, or leave.

He knows Simon’s dreaming. All other signs aside, he knows Simon wouldn’t attempt anything sexual with him, because of the many times he swore he wouldn’t.

As soon as Raphael came out to him, Simon made it a habit to pester the vampire about what he is and isn’t comfortable with. At first it was annoying, but then, Raphael realized how rare it was for anyone to bother asking if he’s fine to hold his hand, or hug - after that he began to treasure those moments. Even if they aren’t always easy.

It’s not that he doesn’t believe in Simon’s assurances and promises, when they had some hard conversations. Hard for the vampire, that is. Simon seems much more comfortable talking about boundaries and activities that… Raphael has no trouble with, as long as they refer to other people.

It’s something he needs to work on, sooner rather than later - something he’s been putting off out of fear.

But Raphael is running out of time.

He must be.

Promises of not needing sex are conditional. Time sensitive. It could be a month, could be a year, but eventually, he knows what happens. The patience always runs out.

Simon makes it seem easy to believe in his promises that he will always respect Raphael’s boundaries and part of the vampire feels horrible for his lack of trust. Then again, his experience - both personal and just watching and listening to others interact - won’t allow him to relax. The one time he was lulled into a false sense of security was one time too many. 

Raphael doesn’t want to lose Simon. This relationship is too good to give up. Isn’t it better to take the initiative himself, than to wait with this fear hanging over his head? For the inevitable?

With all of that on his mind, he decides to use this as an opportunity.

The sweetness of arousal soon becomes impossible to ignore. Briefly, he wonders what Simon could be dreaming about to make him act this way, to make him sound this way, but he discards these thoughts quickly.

Better not.

Before he can come up with a plan on how to proceed, or for that matter move, Simon stirs.

He blinks at Raphael, and if the vampire wasn’t completely mortified by his continuing grinding, he’d think the sleepy confusion was endearing.

Instantly, Simon’s eyes widen.

“So-sorry! Sorry, I didn’t…” Simon covers his face with his hands and tries to turn away, when Raphael puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

He braces and hopes for courage and whispers:

“Would… would you like me to…”

“Huh?”

Simon blinks at him a few times, then his eyebrows furrow when he understands. “You sure?” The question is incredulous but the vampire can smell the spike of arousal in the air at his offer.

It’s suffocating.

Still, he forces the words out somehow.

“Should I… use my hand?”

He keeps his voice nonchalant but inside he’s screaming; begging Simon to agree, to not ask for anything more. He doesn’t think he has anything more in him. He loves Simon but the mere thought terrifies him.

“Yeah,” Simon smiles. “Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Right.

Of course.

He gives a little nod, bracing himself.

He can do this for Simon.

He can make him feel good.

He doesn’t have to see what he’s doing, so it should be fine. Raphael traces his hand down under the cover, along Simon’s chest. It’s just as much for Simon’s benefit as his own; going slowly like this he retains at least some control of what’s happening without getting a fistful of cock by surprise had he just fumbled randomly.

Raphael's fingers move slowly further down.

Simon lets out a moan when Raphael’s fingers touch his hip and he spreads out his legs a little, giving him an encouraging nod.

He’s trying to smile back at Simon, but it comes out forced. He doesn’t really feel like smiling. But isn’t it what people in love do?

Smile, while they pleasure each other?

And he wants to. He wants to make it good for Simon.

But then his palm touches the bulge inside Simon’s underwear and he flinches.

He screws his eyes shut and takes a deep breath, willing himself to act but his hand hovers in place, under the cover. Frozen.

The air clears around him but he’s too preoccupied to notice, trying to force his trembling hand to move.

“Raphael? Stop,” Simon whispers and Raphael does, instantly taking his hand away.

Torn between being relieved and guilty, he doesn’t open his eyes, doesn’t want to see the disappointment. Gasping in a shaky breath, he chokes out a weak “sorry”.

This is worse than he expected it would be. His hand comes up to cover his face in embarrassment, but he stops himself at the last second. Better not that hand.

He shudders, and ducks his head down, burying his face halfway into the pillow.

“Be right back,” Simon says and gets out of bed and into the bathroom, leaving the vampire alone with his thoughts.

He’s back before Raphael can start to panic, and sits next to him on the bed, dressed in fresh pj bottoms and a t-shirt. “Here,” he offers a wet wipe to the vampire. “For your hands.”

Raphael sits up, not bothering to get the covers off and gratefully grabs the towelette. He mouths a thank you but otherwise keeps his head down, unable to face Simon just yet.

The used wipe lands on the floor, where it will stay for the foreseeable future. They both have other things on their minds.

“Sorry,” Simon starts softly. “Can’t exactly control my dreams, but sorry for making you uncomfortable. Are you gonna be okay? Can I hug you?”

The vampire starts at the unexpected question. He sniffs, staring down at his hands that he folded on his lap. Simon gives the best hugs, but Raphael can’t stand the idea of anyone touching him after what he just tried to do.

Just how to say any of that without pushing Simon away even more?

“Okay.”

Raphael looks up. “Okay?”

“You look,” Simon waves a hand in a vague motion. “You look like you could use a hug, so I just,” he shakes his head. “But it’s ok. We can just sit like this. Or I can go?”

“No, no, don't go, please?” He almost reaches out a hand. “Stay,” he says, his eyes focused somewhere on the sheets between them.

“Okay. I’m here.” Simon sounds strangely cheerful and his heart beat is way too calm in the vampire’s ears. Shouldn’t he be angry? Then again, Simon is joy personified - Raphael’s very own walking ray of sunshine, so why is he looking for anything else in the human?

“What…” The human stops, takes a deep breath and tries again. “Can you explain what just happened?”

Raphael cringes. “Didn’t think it would be this bad,” he admits through gritted teeth. “I can do better, just, next time, yeah? I will…” God, just thinking about repeating this makes him gag but he wants Simon to stay. “Will try to do better…”

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” The vampire gives him an incredulous look.

Simon scoots closer and reaches out a hand, palm up, as an invitation for Raphael to hold it.

After a long while staring down at it in silence, Raphael brushes the tips of their fingers together and lets their hands rest side by side on the covers.

“Look at you,” Simon gives him an encouraging smile, that only confuses Raphael. “You’re shaking, you were so disgusted, and now you can barely touch me…”

The vampire blinks rapidly, and folds into himself. He is well aware he doesn’t know what he’s doing, but to hear it out loud… but then Simon surprises him with his next words:

“I’m not saying that as a criticism, I just want you to pay attention to your own body. I don’t know what happened that made you try to…” he waves the other hand again, before giving up on finishing that sentence. “But sex is about enjoyment, and you cannot tell me you enjoyed what you were trying to do.”

Raphael looks at him with wide red eyes. “You could have…?”

The human huffs out a tired breath. “It didn’t make you happy to do it. Why are you even considering a next time? I don’t get it.”

“I don't want to lose you, Simon!” He exclaims, frustrated with the fact he has to spell it out. “And if keeping you happy means I have to… have to...”

He can’t say it. He tries to push the words out several times but each attempt sounds worse in his head. _ Have to... fuck… have sex… have to force myself to touch you like that... _

Raphael shakes his head, exasperated with his own inability to communicate, when on any other topic he could be so damn eloquent, and in more than one language, at that. The good thing is that comprehension seems to dawn on Simon.

“The point is, I got used to the taste of blood, I can get used to this!” He says with finality, somewhat pleased he got that comparison right.

Except something is not right, because Simon looks just about ready to cry and the vampire has no idea what to do. “Simon, no,” he leans forward, at a loss how to fix this, but still unwilling to do nothing. He’s pretty sure his own face is twisting up to mirror Simon’s and he cups the human’s face in his palms. “God, I’m sorry, what did I say wrong? Please, don’t cry?”

Simon, for his part, scoots even closer and beckons Raphael with a come here gesture. He doesn’t wait for him to comply, just drops himself into the embrace, burying his face in the vampire’s neck. He squeezes his arms as tight as he can manage around him, gasping in lungfuls of air in a futile attempt to stop the tears.

Raphael holds him close, waiting; letting the warmth of his body spread over him.

“I love you, okay?” Simon chokes out eventually. “You stupid, stupid vampire!” 

“What are you calling me stupid for?!”

Still, he can’t find it in himself to be upset over that. Especially not when Simon pulls back, his reddened puffy face, wet with tears right there in front of Raphael. Never mind Raphael’s own eyes are red rimmed as well.

“Listen to me,” Simon says, planting his hands on Raphael’s neck firmly, running his thumbs along the vampire’s jawline. “I’m sorry, because clearly I fucked up _ somewhere _, if you think I won’t be happy with you without sex. I don’t want sex with you, okay?!” Then, he inclines his head to the side and admits: “Okay, no, that’s not true. I would like to have sex with you. Yes, but you don’t, so that’s a moot point! Got that?” He gives Raphael a stern look, but doesn’t give him any time to respond.

“I won’t watch you forcing yourself into something you don’t want!” He watches Raphael, as if to see the words sink in.

“How long?” Raphael asks eventually.

“How long what?”

“How long till you get bored of a sexless relationship? A month? A year?”

Simon stares, struck speechless.

“I’m sorry,” Raphael goes on, putting his own hands on Simon’s, desperate to keep them there; warm and grounding. “I know, I know you said you’re fine with that, and I want to believe you! But there’s always a time limit, right?”

“No,” he insists. “I mean, look, Raphael. I could die tomorrow, a werewolf could bite me or a truck run me over, or whatever. I’m not promising you forever because that’s not in my power,” Simon chuckles despite the vampire’s horrified expression. “More so when I’m in a relationship with you, because you won’t age the same…”

Fuck! Is he really starting the death conversation now?

“Simon,” his voice wavers dangerously. This was difficult enough without Simon bringing up his own mortality, dammit! “Please,” Raphael begs.

“Sorry, sorry! Not the point,” the human shakes his head. “What I’m trying to say is, there are no guarantees. But I didn’t put an expiration date on us. And definitely not over something trivial like that!”

“Trivial?”

“Yes, trivial! Because I am so happy with you. Already. Without sex.”

Raphael’s eyes move down, and he’s staring blankly at Simon’s chest, contemplating. He wants to believe it so much.

A soft laugh startles him out of his thoughts.

“Hey,” Simon says, around a mischievous grin. “Do you need to taste the honesty in my blood? Should I ask Magnus for a truth potion? I swear, I will call Magnus Bane himself at crack of dawn o’clock to tell him about our non-existing sex life and face his wrath right now, if it will make you believe that!”

He is gaping at him.

“I’m kidding! Sorry, I just had this idea,” he admits, his shoulders still shaking. It’s strange to hear him so carefree right after a conversation like this, when Raphael is still feeling so heavy inside; but he shouldn’t be surprised Simon would try to lighten the mood.

The most the vampire can muster is a weak smile in return.

“You should go back to sleep,” Simon moves away a little, and sneaks back under the covers. “It’s still early. When did you come to bed anyway?”

“Just before six, I think?” Raphael glances to the clock on the wall. It’s barely past seven. “Yeah, sleep sounds good,” he agrees, but doesn’t do anything, just keeps staring at the covers.

“Raphael?”

He looks up.

“It’s okay,” Simon repeats, now propped up on the pillows, looking ready to go back to sleep himself. “I know I can’t make you believe me. I mean, I was joking for the most part, but if you think that would help, I would drink whatever Magnus makes,” he chuckles. “Just… talk to me? When you feel like you’re not sure?”

“Okay,” he nods. He scoots closer to Simon, and is glad to see him lift his arm to give the vampire more room. He lays down next to him, then slowly lowers his head onto Simon’s chest. “This okay?”

Simon wiggles a little under him, but settles easy enough. “Yeah, it’s okay,” he brushes his fingers through Raphael’s hair.

They pull up the covers over themselves.

Raphael drifts off to the sound of a heartbeat in his ear and a lazy smile tugging at his lips.

Soon after Simon is asleep as well.

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally supposed to be part of my soulmates series but then it splintered into two separate fics - one dealing with this failed sex attempt that I had in my head for AGES, and another one with a little different focus but still angsty af xD


End file.
